Two weeks ago, after a year and three months of separation, my husband and I decided to end our marriage. I cried. I blocked him on my phone. I changed his contact information in my phone to remind myself what I was doing before calling or texting him. In my mind, I've decided that I'm not longer going to hold out hope for a reconciliation. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that is even what I want.
It stung for a few days. I cried. I had arguments in my head with him that lasted for hours. In these imaginary arguments, I made sure he knew exactly how mean and unfair he was, and how much he hurt me. And after about a week of contemplating my sadness, I randomly talked to this guy at a meeting. I didn't say much, and certainly nothing compelling was exchanged, but soon after the meeting I started thinking about him.
As the days passed, I started thinking about him more. In fact, I could not get him out of my head. I had been seeing him at this very same meeting for about a year, and never really took a keen interest. I had noticed him before, but dismissed it; engaged in only the most minimal ways and then almost immediately forgot about him. Over the last month or two we made eye contact. I briefly spoke with him--thought he was cute, but really didn't feel the need to engage. So what happened last week to totally go from zero to a hundred? From not thinking about him at all to thinking about him constantly?
Yesterday it started to occur to me that I was being slightly ridiculous, and had done something quite similar in the recent past.
Last month I had a brief obsession with another guy. I saw him at a meeting (a different meeting), didn't bother talking to him, but proceeded to start a relationship with him that existed entirely and ONLY in my imagination. After considerable rumination, I decided his nails were too well groomed, he looked far too fastidiously put together, could perhaps be a serial killer and probably wouldn't let my dog in his bed. So, basically, I had the entire relationship in my head. Turns out we just weren't a match--but he has no idea. In fact, I am sure he has no idea I was even interested in him. And now I'm not, I'm obsessed with some other dude.
After thinking about him A LOT for a day or two, I started calling my friends to ask the typical sorts of questions, "Is he single?", "What is he like?", "What does he do?" , "Should I be concerned?", "DO YOU think he is cute?", "Do you think he would think that I'm cute?" etc.
One of my friends tried to help me Facebook stalk him--but no luck. We didn't even know what his last name was, and he really wasn't friends (on Facebook) with the same people that we are friends with. Then one of my friends told me he was on Instagram. So I got Instagram, and like a total freak, went through several years of his Instagram posts. I surmised about as much as I could about the guy without actually talking to him or getting to know him in any meaningful way. Of course, I'm not going to "put myself out there" without a thorough "background check" (at least that is how I rationalize such creepy behavior in my head).
After a week of obsessing over this new guy, I'm at the point in our relationship (the one that is occurring entirely in my head and not at all in reality) where we have had our first fight. I've already envisioned what we fight about, how he speaks to me, and how I respond. I'm also at the point where I'm questioning whether or not we are a good fit. Mind you, this guy has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that I'm even interested. I having given him ZERO indication that he is even on my radar. And something about this is starting to feel a bit absurd.
I'm not sure what this about, but it is exhausting. I either need to say something, or just drop it. Part of me thinks this is my way of distracting myself from the sadness I feel about my divorce and/or the massive amount of inner work that needs to be done to repair that wound. Another part of me thinks I keep doing this because I am in no way emotionally available. However, part of me also thinks that this is because I am allowing myself to consider the possibility of moving on. And finally, a good part of me thinks this just simple physical attraction. He is tall, very athletic, and has a sort of rugged, exotic quality that I've always found attractive. And he is a little older, and I had resolved to stop dating younger guys soon after my husband and I separated. I have no idea what I'm going to do, or what this is even about. But the point is: I have to stop thinking about it.
My question is: am I not dealing with the feelings I have about my divorce? OR am I ready to move on after a year and 3 months of separation and dating several other men? I don't know the answer to this question. I vacillate. I have been vacillating for years--even before we got divorced.
My hope is that, now I'm aware, this situation will help me to reach a point of clarity. So, when I figure out what this is all about, I will write more!
