What Is My Issue with Italian Men? Plus, Some Other Stuff...

**Disclaimer: lamenting about my honeymoon has taken a real back burner to a much more pressing question this week: What is my issue with Italian men? This is a very serious question that needs to be probed with the utmost urgency--the struggle is real!

Regular guy to Italian guy conversion chart

Now that I'm no longer drinking, my mind has been freed up to obsess about other things that have historically interested me. I have come up with a short list of some of the other things in an effort to provide some clarity into my latest debacle. It also gives some insight into some of my more "simple minded" priorities.

Most Basic Obsessions with No Alcohol in my System:

1. My Dog
2. Ernest Hemingway
3. Dogs in General
4. Italy
5. Italian MEN!!! (Realistically, this should be listed much higher on the list, but I'm trying very hard to give the impression that I'm a more reasonable person than I actually am).
6. Sour Patch Kids
7. Candy in General
8. Numbered Lists
9. Having Children
10. Halloween
11. Ghosts and Haunted Houses

For those readers who are not already well aware, I feel like it is important to disclose the fact that I have struggled with an irrational attraction to Italian men for all of my adult life. And by irrational, what I actually mean is senseless, irresponsible and actually quite deranged. This statement is best evidenced by the fact that I met an Italian man on an Art History trip to Italy when I was in college and decided to peruse and intense and fantastical relationship with said Italian man. And to clarify, I should probably mention that I "fell in love at first sight" with an architecture student who worked at the local Irish pub in Venice.

This is where the story gets ridiculous...

I stole a phone book out of the hotel in Mestre the night before I was supposed to leave Venice. I called EVERY Irish Pub in the Veneto trying to reach this man whose name I could not even manage to properly pronounce. Finally, I reached him, and he said he would try to make it to Mestre that night to see me before I left. He did not get off of work in time, and we did not meet. The next day in Assisi, I told my sister that I had to see him again--that it was "fate" or something ridiculous like that.
My sister replied by nearly shouting at the top of her lungs, "Liz! Life is NOT a Jane Austin novel, grow the f**k up!"

Not liking the advice my sister had given me, I went and asked the Italian tour guide what I should do. The lady told me to "follow my heart...it is Italy." And thus, being entirely deranged from watching Only You one too many times as a teenager, I left with about 70 Euro, hitch-hiked down to the train in Assisi, took the train all of the way to Venice, and tracked down the guy at the Irish pub. In the meantime, my sister was distraught and flew back to the US alone before the trip was over. The state and national police were also called. Soon after, I dropped out of school moved in with him in his tiny efficiency in Venice.

Therefore, reader, I have had a quite lengthy history of irrational attractions to Italian men. I wish I could say that that was the only time I did something that stupid because of an Italian man, but it isn't. I also wish there was some deep psychoanalytical explanation, but I don't think there is.

In an effort to uncover the root cause of such irrational thinking and behavior, I have come up with a list of possible explanations from my formative years.

Possible explanations for irrational attraction to Italian men:

1. One of my Grandmothers very much admired the celebrity, "Fabio." This may be significant because she died 24 years ago, and I very clearly remember the fact that she loved "Fabio"(an Italian) and "Rambo" (a fictional character of Italian-American/Navajo descent).


2. My other Grandmother had several novels with "Fabio" on the cover. I remember going upstairs in her house to the room where she stored her books and pointing out to my sister, "That's Fabio. Fabio is handsome." My seven year old mind probably had no idea what handsome even meant, but I knew enough about Fabio to make a point of educating my sister on the importance of Fabio.


3. Vivid memories of Fabio on TV commercials, particularly in regard to romance

4. Teenage obsession with the romantic comedy, Only You, that takes place in Italy and stars Marissa Tomei and Robert Downy Jr.

5. Looney Tunes episode where "Pepe LePew" chases the cat with the white paint down its back in Venice...and the cat, "Penelope," almost submits to his advances

6. Robert DeNero in the Godfather trilogy (enough said).

7. Panettone?

8. Pasta?

9. Pizza?

Italian-American Crush

I realized this week that I have a crush on an Italian guy. Well, Italian-American, but that can be equally devastating to my logical reasoning. While I noticed him and found him attractive before this week, things escalated to a level of urgency this week with one too many conversations about him being Italian, his Italian family, a few cute expressions in Italian, and the fact that he offered me all of his green skittles and told me that he would "have to remember" that Sour Patch Kids were the key to my heart--and various other small conversations about candy and Italian things. This crush has reached the point of distracting. For the sake of this poor man's privacy, I'm going to call him, Fabio with Candy, or FC for short.

Reason for current inner struggle

Reasons why I like FC:
1. He is Italian (Grandmother right off the boat)
2. He also appears to have a fondness of candy
3. He said that he would "have to remember" that Sour Patch kids are the way to my heart
4. He gave me all of his green skittles on Thursday
5. He has a great smile
6. He has a great laugh
7. He has a great sense of humor
8. He smiled at me

Ladies, if this is not good cause for a totally irrational infatuation, I don't know what is! The real question here is: what happens if he actually gives me Sour Patch Kids? As I have never actually been presented with this scenario, it is difficult to say how I would react. But I'm thinking it would be something like this:

What happens if....

There is a good chance that I'm going to see FC either tonight or tomorrow night. Definitely on Monday. And what I want to say to him is this:

"Are you serious, buddy? Just because you have mastered the delicate and complicated art of 'Liz seduction' in less than a week, it does not mean that I'm going to fall for your sophisticated charm and endearing smile...I'm working on me!!!!"...I think...




The Poem from Only You: