Divorceymoon Part I

So, I finally moved out of my marital home and stopped talking to my husband. It happened over a series of months, and a series of uncomfortable realizations.

First, I'll be honest: my husband and I had continued to be physically intimate, flirtatious and friendly until Thanksgiving of this year. In spite of everything that had happened, the relationship was still a lot more comfortable to stay in than it was to leave. Garrett and I get along, we laugh a lot, we genuinely care for each other.

That being said, there was a tipping point for me that occurred around Thanksgiving. Preceding this tipping point, I had reconnected with, and been emailing off and on with the first man I genuinely fell in love with--mind you, this was an adolescent love interest that was never able to come into full fruition because he was five years older than me. When I met him (and obsessed about him for years), it would have been both illegal and unreasonable for anything to actually happen. He did promise me though, that one day, when I was older, things would be different.

I kept in touch with this man, on and off, over the years and wondered about him from time to time. Among other things, he always reminds me of what it felt like when my heart was young, pure and undamaged by the battlefields of adult relationships. There is something about him that is still able, after all of these years, to evoke a feeling in me that is truly pure. My feelings for him where not ever about ME, how he made ME feel, or what he could do for ME. In fact, it was more about HIM--how interesting and exciting HE was, how kind and genuine HE is, and the indescribable beauty I have always seen, and continue to see, in HIM. I do, and have always, deeply admired who he his, and how he lives his life.

When I reconnected with him this fall, I was a bit taken aback about the fact that he was exactly how I remembered him being: intelligent, interesting, curious, well-spoken, and above all, very, very kind and considerate. Unfortunately, he is also married to a beautiful, talented, and interesting woman. Exactly what I would have expected of him. And, in a sense, that was comforting. Often I have felt that when I reconnected with past loves, they were very different than I had remembered--and to be honest, I struggled to understand what the initial attraction may have been about. In this case, it was comforting to know that he was perhaps even better than I could have really appreciated in my youth, and I had shown good judgement in my attraction to this man. And, that he had chosen a mate that seemed very appropriate for him. I felt happy about this.

I also felt very emotionally attracted to him, and struggled with the morality of my most basic interactions with him, knowing my own feelings, and knowing that he was committed to another. While we were merely catching up, sharing nostalgic memories of our youths, and talking about mutual interests/passions, I knew better than to trust myself and to trust my motives in such a situation. Thus, I tried to keep things as restrained and appropriate as I possibly could.

The breaking point came when my husband informed me that he was romantically perusing his co-worker who was in a committed relationship/marriage to another man. I noticed that something was "off" with him when he told me that he was going to a rave. Mind you, we are in our 30's. The last time I went to a rave was way, way over a decade ago. And, to my knowledge, my husband had never shown any interest in electronic music or had been to a rave in his life--definite point of curiosity. Next, he texted me to ask how to make pies. Hhmmm..... I gave him my advice and even asked my mother if she had any additional tips. I stopped by the house several hours later to find he had been furiously working on these pies to bring to his co-workers house for the greater part of the day. This, with the attendance at the rave, and his changes in communication patterns had risen some red flags. I had noticed the day before that he had not replied to my texts about some plans we had. Garrett always responds to my texts about practical matters. Perhaps he doesn't respond to every text about how cute or special the dog is, but he definitely responds promptly to practical matters.

At this point, I confronted him, and he confessed. I know how to draw answers out of my ex-husband, and I did. He informed me of his feelings for his co-worker, his ongoing relations with her, and that he was going to this woman's house, and was going to have dinner with her and her partner.

This bothered me. Initially, I couldn't put my finger on exactly why, it but I knew that I didn't like it. After over a month of pondering over the matter, I have concluded that him having dinner with his new love interest and her beau was not only odd, but it was deceptive, sneaky, callous, and inconsiderate. This sort of encapsulated my own experience with him during our relationship and marriage. And for me, it was enough for me to see that it was time to cut ties and truly, completely move on.

So, I blocked him from all social media, said what I needed to say to move on, and then blocked his phone number.

Unfortunately, this whole situation caused me to evaluate my own motivations and personal integrity. I wasn't necessarily happy to face the fact that I was doing something very similar in communicating with a married man, with full knowledge of the fact that, if I was truly honest with myself, I wanted more than just friendship with him. I always have. So, I think it was mutually understood that I needed to pull away for a while. Not to say I would never check in with him again, but I needed to draw back and focus on myself.

That left a bit of a void. But I was determined to move on, and move forward. So, I ended up flirting with a young man that I had seen around, but didn't really know. Smart, fluent in French, attractive. But I'll be honest, I was looking for a shiny object--a diversion from my uncomfortably. As he is in recovery as well, he quickly saw through me and called me out. He did it in a very arrogant, presumptuous way as well, so I did not take too kindly to his observations. My knee jerk reaction was to tell him exactly how self-righteous he came across to me, and that it was inappropriate for him to be advising me on my recovery and personal life when I barely knew the man. Of course, there was truth to what he said, and I knew he was right at the time he said it, but he wasn't entirely correct and I was determined to move forward come hell or high water. And that I did...

Remember FC from my posts more than a year ago? Well, I texted him and suggested that we meet to catch up. Long story short--one thing quickly led to another and we hooked up. It was actually pretty great! I really care about FC and have a deep respect and affection for him, and I believe that I made the right choice. The feeling seemed mutual, and we made plans to reconnect when I got back to Orlando a month in the future--I was traveling to Denmark, Sweden, Ireland, Massachusetts and New Jersey over the holidays, and I expected to be very busy and distracted--and I was.

In any case, my Divorceymoon started out on a very positive and hopeful note--I felt good about where we left things, and I felt very satisfied with my decision, BUT....

To be continued..